


Meme Dreme Teme saves Nekoma

by Ink_stained_quills



Series: Hanamaki Disease: Disturbing the peace of volleyball teams everywhere [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Established Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Established Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, M/M, hanamaki disease, iwaoi is just mentioned so far, realized I hadn’t tagged this crack before now...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25154482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ink_stained_quills/pseuds/Ink_stained_quills
Summary: The title says it all, we're hitting Nekoma next!  Featuring the Meme Dreme Teme group chat, Kuroo at his wit's end, and cat allergies from those you wouldn't expect.(Background Info: Hanamaki has the power to know when people are crushing, and is forced to "eyy" accordingly.)
Relationships: Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Hanamaki Disease: Disturbing the peace of volleyball teams everywhere [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604839
Comments: 74
Kudos: 280





	1. No, you can't marry my boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> The "T" rating is for some,,, jokes. Hey guys, I'm back! Updating chapter fics that don't really stand alone chapter by chapter takes a far shorter amount of time than usual series updates, so don't worry ;)
> 
> As of this moment, the series as a whole has over 7,000 hits! Yay?
> 
> Also: would anyone like a Q&A for this fic? idk

Phat Cat: I have a proposal for you

Cream Puff: my bf says i cant get married to u sorry

Phat Cat: You WISH you could have a piece of THIS

Phat Cat: Anyways the question was if,,, you could come to Nekoma and sort out our shit

Cream Puff: do it urself coward

Phat Cat: Bro I’ve tried

Cream Puff: im screenshotting this to prove u type w/ proper grammar

Cream Puff: actual grandma kuroo

Phat Cat: I have money

Cream Puff: not enough to deal w/ this

Phat Cat: I’m going crazy here

Phat Cat: Also your screen name is uh

Cream Puff: i rlly like cream puffs

Cream Puff: wow were you thinking something na$ty 

Phat Cat: ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)

Cream Puff: ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)

Cream Puff: actually no how dare you speak this way to your husband

Phat Cat: You missed out, I asked Matsukawa in the meantime

Cream Puff: wooed him with your amino acids

Phat Cat: I must be a diamond because you give me a hardness of ten

Cream Puff: ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)

Phat Cat: In the name of memes

Phat Cat: Fix my goddamn team

Cream Puff: fine but i expects payment in the form of cream puffs

Phat Cat: Oh, you’ll get cream alright ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)

Cream Puff: im regretting not marrying you when i had the chance

Phat Cat: As you should

“Babe,” Hanamaki says into his phone.

He can practically hear Matsukawa raising one of his enormous eyebrows. “Calling instead of texting? Archaic.”

“You know Nekoma’s captain? He’s the one that texts like a grandmother.” Hanamaki muses. “But not my grandmother, that lady could wrestle Iwaizumi into submission.”

“A shame you didn’t get her genes,” Matsukawa sighs. “I might have to date her instead.”

“Her eyebrows are thin, so between the two of you it’d even out.”

Matsukawa huffs a laugh, clanking something together on the other side of the call. “Anyway, what about my husband?”

“He wants the sexual tension detector’s assistance with his team. I told him I’d only do it if he signed the divorce papers.” Rummaging through his fridge, Hanamaki pulls out a surely expired container of chinese food. He gives it a sniff, makes a face, eyes the otherwise empty shelves, and throws the box out with a sigh.

“I hope this means I get to see my kids on the weekends,” Matsukawa concedes.

Hanamaki checks his schedule. “You’ll get to see them this weekend, I guess.”

“You know, you could turn this into a business,” Matsukawa muses, rattling something. “Hanamaki’s Sexual Reveals.”

“I’ve always considered becoming a stripper if this ‘high school’ thing doesn’t work out.” Finally finding an apple, Hanamaki flops down onto his couch.

“Issei!” One of Matsukawa’s younger siblings screams. “We want pancakes for lunch!”

“I’m already making something for lunch!” Matsukawa calls back.

“I was wondering what the clanking thing was,” Hanamaki remarks. “I was wondering if you were doing BDSM.”

“Without you, Makki? Never.”

“Issei!” The tiny voices call again, and Hanamaki stifles a laugh. “You’d make such a good house husband.”

“Kuroo always said that,” Matsukawa pretends to reminisce.

“I’ll leave you to it, then.” The pink haired boy hangs up the call after he hears his boyfriend’s “That’s it, leave me to the gremlins. See you soon - Akari, do NOT touch that!”.

~~~

“What’ve we got here,” Hanamaki mumbles under his breath as they stride into Nekoma.

Matsukawa eyes the tall Russian lying on the floor. “A bunch of human disasters, probably.”

“Don’t you rope me in with him!” Yaku calls from across the room, marching around on his speedy little legs. Hanamaki frowns down at the (dead body? poisoned corpse?) and pulls out his phone while they wait for Kuroo.

~Group Chat: Meme Dreme Teme~

Tender Salami: ushijima is daying we habe to watch thus movie on ducks

Tender Salami: goshiki loojs kind of amusef but semi might cru so the end resilt is fine

Cream Puff: were at nekoma rn

Doormattsun: im gonna call it neko wafer whenever prompted

Tender Salami: oh the furry shool

Cream Puff: n~nya

Tender Salami: why r u there

Doormattsun: kuroo required our services

Cream Puff: technically i think its all a trick to get you two remarried

Cream Puff: yaku is secretly a priest

Tender Salami: if he wre a priest hed hace exorcised them lng ago

Doormattsun: you can spell ‘exorcised’ but not ‘have’?

Tender Salami: the heart wnts what the heat wans

Cream Puff: back to the duck movie

Doormattsun: is it that one where the duck is like “( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛) you dont have to date a guy…”

Doormattsun: and she agrees to ‘give it a shot’ or whatever

Tender Salami: god i hopw so imagune how scarred the fiest years will be

Cream Puff: mattsun how do you know about this movie

Doormattsun: watched it with kuroo on our wedding night

Cream Puff: cant believe you didnt invite me!

Doormattsun: sorry babe next time

Tender Salami: tell kuroo i saf “Screen doors don’t keep out bees.”

Cream Puff: actual punctuation on this chat

Doormattsun: im intrigued to see his reaction

Cream Puff: inconceivable

Doormattsun: you keep using that word 

Doormattsun: i do not think it means what you think it means

Tender Salami: now i wabt to wagch the princess bride agan jfc

“Kuroo’s in the locker room.”

“When did you get here?” Hanamaki blinks down at - Kenma, their setter is Kenma. He’s fairly certain the second year hadn’t been there mere moments ago, but he shows no sign of having ran over (not that he would, from what Hanamaki hears).

Kenma just looks up at him, eyes inscrutable. “... he’s got a cat on his lap, and I’m pretty sure he intends to spin around like he’s a movie villain.”

“We’ll just… go see him, then?” Hanamaki offers. There’s this buzzing at the back of his mind, like he’s missing something obvious, but it’s similar to the feeling he gets when his powers become active. Matsukawa breaks off his conversation with Nekoma’s vice, Kai, and ushers Hanamaki toward the locker room.

“What was that?” Matsukawa whispers, once they’re out of ear shot.

“What?”

“You two were staring like you suspected each other for murder,” deadpans Matsukawa. “Or - you were trying to find a descriptor word, and you couldn’t remember.”

Hanamaki’s struck by how well Matsukawa can read him. “While I don’t doubt Kenma’s assasination skills, it just felt like deja vu or something. I don’t know…”

“Ooookay,” Matsukawa opens the door for them - “How chivalrous.” “Nah, I just didn’t want to get attacked by the cat first.” - and flicks on the light.

“Hello, Bond,” wheezes Kuroo.

“Are you… allergic to cats?” Matsukawa asks hesitantly, eyeing his red nose. 

Kuroo nods miserably and continues petting the animal on his lap. “It didn’t get the reaction I wanted.”

“Do you have it?” Looking shiftily from side to side, Hanamaki edges closer.

“Takahiro!” Matsukawa gasps. “I thought you said you’d kicked your addiction!”

“Sorry, babe, but I needed a ride.”

Snorting, Kuroo removes a carton of cream puffs from a nearby locker. “I had to hide these from the team - evidently, they really like cream puffs.”

Hanamaki fixes his eyes on his boyfriend. “I’m transferring to Nekoma.”

“I raised the kids well,” Matsukawa preens, wiping away a tear.

“You absentee father, you weren’t around to raise your children!” Kuroo retorts. “Where were you when Lev got Yaku stuck in a tree? Or when Kenma almost walked into traffic playing a game?”

Gasping in offense, Matsukawa crosses his arms. “Providing for this family, that’s what! They needed some kind of stable income.”

“Look at us… fighting just like old times,” Nekoma’s captain leans against the lockers.

“It’s too late - I have found another lover.” Matsukawa gestures to Hanamaki, who looks up from his cream puffs in surprise.

He swallows another pastry. “Alexa, play Sorry Not Sorry.”

“I have too!” Kuroo replies, then pauses. “Well - not yet. That’s why I called you here.”

“Matchmaking?” Hanamaki nods. Eats another cream puff. Debates if he should share. “I figured. Who is it?”

“Shouldn’t you be able to tell?” Kuroo frowns.

Hanamaki stares at him, deadpan. “... do you want me walking around, watching you make eye contact with your teammates, then ‘eyy-ing’ when I find the right one?”

Kuroo stares back. “... no.”

“One hundred yen says it’s Kenma,” Matsukawa offers.

“I’m gonna take that bet just because if they’re anything like Oikawa and Iwaizumi, I don’t want to put Nekoma through that.” Hanamaki pulls out his phone and enters a group chat.

~Group Chat: Meme Dreme Teme~

Cream Puff: oi chicken tendou

Tender Salami: shit i liek tha

~Tender Salami changed their name to Chinken Tendou~

Cream Puff: one hundred yen - kuroos into his childhood friend/setter

Chinken Tendou: teh odds are so stong for yes

Chinken Tendou: ill tae it

“Anything else?” Hanamaki says offhandedly.

“... honestly? Can you deal with the insanely obvious, worldview altering crush Lev has on Yaku.” Kuroo groans. “Kai likes this one girl, but she’s not here right now… I don’t know. Everything is terrible.”

Matsukawa pats him on the shoulder. “There, there. Sometimes you just need some help from your resident superpowered wine aunt.”

“I’m going to fill up water bottles and mourn my once peaceful life now, thanks.” Kuroo waves a hand at the door to the gym, exiting the locker room with a mumbled “Was my life ever truly peaceful?”

“So that’s what being a single parent does to you,” Hanamaki muses.

“What did Kuroo call you here for? Arranging a match?” Kenma stands hunched in the doorway, hitting a few buttons on his gaming device, and Hanamaki almost has a heart attack. The buzz in the back of his mind is back in full force.

Matsukawa shrugs. “You’ll find out, probably. My hundred yen depends on it.”

Switching off the game - scary, Hanamaki thinks -, the setter looks up at them. “... sure.” His eyes flash, cat gold, and when Hanamaki blinks, he disappears.

“Takahiro,” Matsukawa hisses. “‘Hiro, is this whole thing one of those dreams? Because there is a lot less making out than there usually is when you’re here.”

“Nobody told me I wasn’t the only one with superpowers!” Hanamaki whisper-yells back, grabbing his boyfriend by the arm. “Why did he get teleportation and I get playing cupid?”

“How much did he overhear?” Matsukawa wonders nervously. “What if he starts teleporting away every time somebody looks at him? I want my hundred yen.”

“It’s only a problem if he starts doing it,” Hanamaki reassures him. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

His phone pings.

~Group Chat: Meme Dreme Teme~

Chinken Tendou: hve i won monwy yet


	2. School Nurses should check for scoliosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, we now have a chapter count! (May be subject to change, but...) I hope it hasn't been too long, I got a haircut that took eleven inches and several hours, downloaded pokemon go... motivation kills bro

“Hey, honey!” Hanamaki’s mom hums when she picks up the phone.

Hanamaki sulks on a locker room bench, glaring daggers at a laughing Matsukawa. “Hey, mom.”

“You’re over at Nekoma today, right? Being…” she pauses. “A sexual tension detector.”

“Ah, yeah,” Hanamaki taps his nails on the bench. “Hey, do you know if there are any other families with, I don’t know, superpowers you never warned me about?”

“Well, of course! We couldn’t be the only ones, that would be ridiculous.” His mother scoffs.

“Ridiculous,” Hanamaki echoes. “Good talk, mom. Gotta go!”

“Bye!”

After a moment of staring down at his phone, Hanamaki lets his head fall back against a locker. “What’s so funny?”

Matsukawa shrugs, smirking, and replies: “Your first instinct is to call your mom.”

“My grandma wasn’t available,” Hanamaki pouts. When Matsukawa sets of into another round of stifled giggles, he crosses his arms. “Who got us when we were submerged in the aquarium model.”

“... your mom.”

“And who convinced us that eating from that one vendor wasn’t a good idea, and laughed with us when Iwaizumi and Oikawa didn’t take her advice?” Hanamaki presses.

Matsukawa laughs soundlessly. “Your mom.”

“And,” Hanamaki finishes, “who saved us from that rabid dog when we decided rubbing our clothes with raw meat would attract cougars?”

“Why did we think that would work?” Matsukawa wrinkles his nose. “Why - was that the time we wanted to see if they’d eat the basketball team?”

“Ah, to be a first year again,” Hanamaki reminsces, then shakes his head. “Who?”

“Your mom. Also Iwaizumi, but mostly your mom.”

“Exactly.”

Nodding, Matsukawa pulls Hanamaki from the bench. “This is a different kind of your mom joke than I’m used to.”

“I’m here all week,” Hanamaki says, and tugs them both out the door.

First on the agenda, they decide, are Yaku and Lev. Considering this is the first time Hanamaki’s actually *trying* to pair people up, he’s not entirely sure how to operate. Yelling ‘who wants to fuck’ across the gym probably wouldn’t get the proper results, but it would be entertaining.

“We just have to get people to look at each other, right?” Matsukawa shrugs. “Not too hard.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Hanamaki agrees.

Ten minutes later, he’s regretting many things. “I can’t believe you said ‘what’s the worst that can happen’!” Matskawa hisses at him.

“Shut up,” he grumbles back. “How was I supposed to know they’d have heard about my power?”

“We have done this to, like, three schools by now.” the other boy reminds him, exasperated. “It stands to reason that they’d know.”

“Oi!” Hanamaki yells. The entirety of Nekoma’s male volleyball team is covering their eyes as Kuroo stands by and despairs. “Stop that and let me earn my cream puffs! I can’t give them back, I’ve already eaten them.”

“Betrayer!” Kuroo gasps, staggering back as his team turn on him. It’s honestly impressive how menacing they look, considering they’ve got their hands hiding their faces. Hanamaki knows, however, that Yaku has trained them to kick very well.

Kenma, he notices, is nowhere to be seen. Matsukawa scowls. “You can’t all have something to lose here.”

“Sorry, Matsukawa,” Kai calls back. “It’s on pain of death that we don’t uncover our eyes.”

“Or rather, on pain of Ya-” another adds, then yelps when the boy he’s standing next to steps on his foot with a mutter of “Don’t betray our senpai, idiot.”

“I still don’t know why we’re covering our eyes,” Lev announces. Matsukawa wiggles his eyebrows, and Hanamaki mouths something along the lines of “I didn’t know this was something Nekoma was into” at Kuroo, who valiantly attempts to stop his mouth from twitching.

“Team bonding!” Kuroo offers the group. Hanamaki welcomes the likeminded thinking. “I’ll bring you cream puffs?”

A few players twitch, but remain strong. Next to them, Kuroo lets out a groan. “I can’t believe you’re making me resort to this.”

“Sorry, captain…” one of the players stammers.

“I’m not mad at you, innocent little first year,” the cat assures him, then glares at an unseeing Yaku. Somehow, the libero knows to stick his tongue out. “Fine - fine, fine, fine! I won’t make any chemistry puns for the next week if you just uncover your eyes.”

Kai gasps dramatically.

Yaku, however, holds out (was this his plan all along? maybe) and crosses his arms, keeping his eyes closed. “Two weeks.”

“You’re a terrible friend.” Kuroo snaps. “I’m helping you, and this is how you repay me.”

“Two and a half.”

Letting out an insulted noise, Kuroo consents. “Two weeks and two days!”

Yaku opens his eyes and moves to stand beside Hanamaki. Kuroo glares at him.

“My puns are wonderful and you should appreciate them,” he sniffs. “In fact, you could say I’m -”

“I will do anything for you to not say it,” Kai pleads. “Remember the bargain!”

“They might not like them, but I’m sure you’re great!” Mastukawa smirks slyly. “When you’re making them, you’re really - in your element.”

Kuroo’s eyes shine. “This is why I married you.”

“I want to go back to keeping my eyes closed,” a third year mutters. “My ears, too.”

Matsukawa looks over at Hanamaki, then pulls out his phone.

(Direct Message: HT-MI)

Doormattsun: should we do people separately?

Cream Puff: that would be less stressful/embarassing for them

Cream Puff: but maybe less fun for us?

Doormattsun: i think we can make our own fun

Doormattsun: ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)

Cream Puff: ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)

Cream Puff: but yea sure

Doormattsun: locker rooms? like we need an excuse for that place to become even more homoerotic

Cream Puff: we put the home in homoerotic

Doormattsun: and you call me the house husband

“After a long, well thought out process, we have chosen to take people into the locker rooms!” Hanamaki waves a hand at the changing area, scanning the team. “Uh… this is merely a - think of it as a checkup!”

“A precaution, like when the school nurse checks for scoliosis,” Matsukawa tacks on.

“Your school checks for scoliosis?” Kuroo asks.

Hanamaki looks at him for a beat. “Yours… doesn’t?”

“... no?”

“Good thing we’re here, then!” Matsukawa announces, then grabs Lev and Yaku, proceeding to tug them out of the gym. Behind them, Nekoma begins to buzz about -

“None of you have scoliosis!” Kuroo shouts incredulously.

Hanamaki whistles. “Are you sure about that?”

Sometimes, even when you don’t know someone at quite that high of a level, you can clearly see what’s written on their faces. It’s truly a beautiful thing, with both parties understanding something that may never be vocalized.

Why would you do this, Kuroo’s face says.

Hanamaki’s face says something like, Can I play grunge music over your gym speakers?

Kuroo’s face displays You are a terrible person, and then it showed, Yes.

Hanamaki flashes him a thumbs up and closes the door behind him. “Now, what do we have here?”

“I almost don’t want you to use your powers on them,” Matsukawa remarks, staring at the scene in front of him. “They’re very dysfunctional.”

“For the last time, you russian giant, do NOT try to pick me up!” Yaku is standing on a bench, looking thirty seconds away from using a wrestling move on his hapless undreclassman. Meanwhile, Lev is flopped on the floor as if he’s been kicked in the shin too many times to bear his own weight any longer.

“Yaku-san,” he whines, “I just wanted to help you reach the equipment!”

“Help me by understanding my boundaries,” Yaku sniffs. Lev looks a combination of stricken and mildly guilty - like he hadn’t thought of that - and Hanamaki wonders if russians (or at least Lev’s family) have different guidelines for what constitutes ‘personal space’.

“Communication tend to be the main issue in interpersonal relationships,” Hanamaki recites. “Whether romantic or platonic, coworkers must learn to understand each other.”

“Babe, do we communicate?” Mastukawa asks, propping himself up on Hanamaki’s shoulder.

“Sure, I guess,” the pink haired boy smirks.

A nod. “See, you guys have to communicate. Easy!”

“This is stupid,” Yaku begins, only to get cut off by the first year.

“I didn’t know that Yaku-san’s tiny body meant he had a large personal bubble,” Lev concludes. “I apologize!”

Yaku stares up at him for a moment. “I want to punch you, but the apology means it would be mean.”

“We’re making progress, ish?” Hanamaki winces and thinks longingly of his ‘conflict resolution’ WikiHow. “Maybe don’t talk about people in the third person.”

“Could you look into each other’s eyes now?” Mastukawa suggests. “We’re not getting paid for couple councelling, that’s extra.”

“Couple -” the libero sputters, looking as if he’d like to stomp his feet. “I’m graduating this year. He is a literal child.”

Pulling a face, Hanamaki looks for something reassuring to say. “We’re all children, dude. Two years difference isn’t that big.”

“I’m sixteen,” offers Lev.

“I refuse to let you shoot down my excuses for repression,” Yaku declares. “Are you going into psychiatry?”

“That’s -” Hanamaki blinks, stands up a bit straighter. “Not important right now. Get back to listing reasons so we can shoot them down.”

“You suck.”

“That’s not all I do,” Hanamaki chirps innocently, and Yaku looks scandalized.

“Yaku-san,” Lev points out, “I think it’s pretty obvious I like you.”

“I,” Yaku announces, “am a logical person. As much as I’d like to deny it, you’ve presented me with an argument that makes sense.”

“Yay us,” Matsukawa whispers.

“I dislike all of you,” the libero informs them, and grabs Lev’s face between his hands. “You get one date. If you don’t screw it up, then we’ll see.”

“Okay!” Lev’s face splits into a beaming smile (an expression Yaku is trying in vain not to imitate).

“Ah, young love…” Hanamaki sighs. “Were we ever like that?”

Matsukawa shakes his head tragically. “The magic’s gone.”

“Well?” Kuroo asks when they reenter the gym. “What happened?”

Hanamaki takes a deep breath, dragging out the moment, and spreads his arms wide. Kuroo leans in. “I pronounce them scoliosis free!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: socially-acceptable-username


	3. Fuck, no money

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Just wanted to say that if you want bonus content of sorts, feel free to check the comments (at least of the previous two chapters, I kind of put bits there)
> 
> I was playing 'girls' while writing the start of this and kept getting distracted, also listened to 'the village' by wrabel and it made me literally stop breathing

“I’m telling you, Kuroo, none of us have any idea where Kenma is.” Kai’s standing with his captain as the rest of Nekoma teases Yaku and Lev (though Lev is shameless, and they should have known it’d have no effect on him). Kuroo just scowls.

“Can’t you use your childhood friend powers?” Matsukawa suggests. 

The other third year stares at him. “... my what?”

“You and Kenma are childhood friends,” Hanamaki explains, thinking of his own captain and ace, “so you have childhood friend powers.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve never possessed ‘childhood friend powers’ beyond convincing Kenma to play volleyball.”

Kai shivers. “Truly a feat of magic in itself.”

“Oikawa can tell where Iwaizumi is at all times. Iwaizumi knows instantly when Oikawa’s overworking himself. They know each other’s favorite types of fish, and that doesn’t come up in conversation ever - I’m fairly certain they can read each other’s minds half the time.” 

Matsukawa presses his lips together, and Hanamaki jumps into the silence. “Mattsun, what’s your favorite type of aquatic creature?”

“The mero monster musume,” he says instantly. “It’s pinker than you.”

“I’m more of a fan of the Eyebrow Barnacle Blenny, myself.” Hanamaki muses.

One of the first years looks over at their huddle, evidently summoned by talk of aquatic critters, and proceeds to look both amused and reflective at once. Hanamaki imagines he’s picturing them as fish in his mind’s eye. Hopefully, he’s an attractive fish.

“There’s a method to our madness,” he reassures the first year.

“Why is a raven like a writing desk?” Mastukawa chimes in, wiggling his eyebrows at him. Lowering his voice, he turns to Hanamaki. “Really, though.”

“Because they are both used to carri-on decomposition!” Kuroo suggests.

Kai gives him an unimpressed look. “You searched Google for that.”

“You can’t prove anything,”

The vice captain pulls out his phone, taps out a query, and hold out the answer from Noel Petty. “Also, I was there at the time.”

Kuroo pulls a face. “Curses.”

“No puns!” yells Yaku, swamped as he is with chirping underclassmen.

“I didn’t make any promises about non-chemisty related ones!” Kuroo calls back, looking self-satisfied, then seems to remember the issue at hand. “You’re sure you don’t know where Kenma is?”

“The guy can teleport,” Kai reminds him. “He’s not easy to find when he doesn’t want you to.”

“I can find him pretty easy, most of the time,” Kuroo frowns, and Mastukawa mutters something that sound suspiciously like “Cough, childhood friend powers, cough”.

“Does the whole team know?” Hanamaki exclaims incredulously. “Is that against volleyball regulations?”

“‘Course we all know,” Kai says, looking at him strangely. Hanamaki despairs at this casual treatment of proper superpowers (he supposes now he understands how other teams felt learning about his own).

Kuroo focuses on the other part of his statement, puffing up. “It’s not like you don’t use yours on the court -”

“Fair.”

“- and no, not in high profile matches. We don’t want literally everyone finding out about him, especially when we go to high profile games like nationals.” he finishes.

“Nationals,” Hanamaki whispers at the same time Matsukawa shakes his fist. Kuroo has the good grace to look apologetic. “Fine, use your Kenma-detecting skills to locate him, then.”

“It doesn’t really work like that…” Kuroo grumps.

“I’ve got Find My Friend on my phone?” Kai volunteers, waving the device at them again.

Matsukawa looks at Kuroo. “Why do we have you around, again?”

“Terrible people, the lot of you.”

“Takes me back to our married days… fighting in front of the children?” Matsukawa sobs, dragging a finger under his eye as if to catch tears. “How can you want to do any more damage to this family?”

Kuroo clasps a hand to his heart. “Pinning this on me? Now who’s reverting to married life?”

“You guys are so incredibly odd,” Yaku informs them (looks like he’s finally separated himself from the crowds of underclassmen. Lev has been left to die).

“You don’t get to talk,” Kuroo whines, “or I’ll call the demons over.”

Glaring, Yaku ducks behind the group. “You wouldn’t dare. Now shush and hide me, or go search for Kenma.”

“Hey,” Yamamoto points out, “didn’t Hanamaki-san say Kuroo-senpai gave him cream puffs?”

“You’re right, we should go!” Kuroo ushers them out of the room with the air of a guilty man.

“... he disabled Find My Friend,” Kai says incredulously. “What if he gets lost?”

“He teleports,” Kuroo replies.

“Kidnapped?”

The third year shrugs, scanning the parking lot for his friend. “Teleports.”

“Has that happened?” Matsukawa murmurs, his voice dropping. Kuroo doesn’t respond, and Hanamaki feels a chill run down his spine. Right - if there are super powered individuals, there were bound to be -

“I can’t believe he teleported out of a surprise party!” Kai complains. “Giving him advance notice kind of defeats the point!”

“Oh,” Hanamaki exhales loudly. “That was on purpose, wasn’t it?”

“‘Maybe you have scoliosis’,” Kuroo mocks, moving towards a car that must be his. “I had to deal with ‘My back feels funny!’ from freaked out teenagers for a solid seven minutes!”

“One of our first years went on the internet to check, and the results told him he had cancer,” Kai gives them a look that’s part ‘that was hella funny’, part ‘I’m vice captain, so I have to deal with that shit too’ and part ‘can we stop for food?’.

“What was that last bit?” Matsukawa asks.

Kai pulls a face. “Didn’t mean to broadcast that part.”

“Let’s go, kiddies!” Kuroo yells from inside his car, and the other three volleyballers turn to stare at him.

“I can’t believe you have a soccer mom van!” Hanamaki shouts, delighted. “A grandma over the phone, a mom in the driving world…”

“I can and will fist fight you,” Kuroo threatens. “Or at least send Yamamoto to do it.”

“We’re terrified,” Kai tells him dryly. “Now are we finding Kenma or not?”

They pile into the van, and Kai fiddles with the radio until he lands on a country station. Hanamaki shakes his head. Tilting his head so he can lean against Hanamaki while looking out the window, Mastukawa opens the group chat on his phone.

(Group Chat: Meme Dreme Teme)

Doormattsun: guess who owes us a hundred yen

Cream Puff: fuck

Doormattsun: CURSE WORDS

Doormattsun: IN THIS RELIGION NEUTRAL GROUP CHAT

Chinken Tendou: i accudentalky broughy my religon in w/ me

Cream Puff: get that shit outta here

Doormattsun: cant believe im dating someone with such a potty mouth

Chinken Tendou: this meand he lijes the seyyer right?

Cream Puff: jokes on you guys i dont have money

Doormattsun: oh we can get the money in… other ways

Chinken Tendou: im honord ud invite me to a threesome buy i cant

Cream Puff: well if you change your mind we’re always here babey~

Chinken Tendou: ;)

“Out of curiosity,” Kuroo starts in a voice that sounded as if he’d meant to sound casual but the word had a different meaning, “has this ever… not worked?”

Hanamaki exchanges a glance with Matsukawa, who in turn exchanges one with Kai, who looks at Hanamaki again, who… “Stop that,” Kuroo says, irritated.

“Not that I know of, really…?” Hanamaki screws up his face.

“Statistically, that means you’re due. Ergo, I’m due. What if we just… went back to Nekoma?” 

Hanamaki knows how Kuroo’s mind works, which meant he knows it’s not that he’s having second thoughts. It’s that his first thoughts had grown up free range, been raised under fair trade standards, and then had folded under second thoughts before being consumed by third ones.

In the end, Kai spoke for them all, sparing only a glance at his friend before staring back down at his phone. “Shut up and keep driving.” They’re spared from Kuroo’s insecurities by the fact that he wants to tease Kai about his not-girlfriend more than he wants to turn around and ruminate.

“I think he’s in here,” he announces at last, stopping in front of a video game store.

“Are you saying that because of childhood friend powers, because it’s always a safe bet that Kenma will be in a game store, or because you’re running low on gas?” Matsukawa asks wryly.

Kuroo flips them off and goes into the store, earning a glare from the worker on duty. Hanamaki presses himself against the headsets of the front seats. “Can you see Kenma?”

“He’s in there! Browsing a game - oh, Kuroo’s going over to him. I think the lady at the counter is concerned he’s going to harass Kenma, ha. Actually, it wouldn’t be all that funny if he got arrested considering I’d have to get him out.” Kai leans closer. “I think Kuroo’s trying to explain the situation?”

“Rookie move,” Matsukawa narrates, eyes on the duo. “I don’t think Kenma can teleport out of there, though, because the saleswoman is watching them.”

“I’m imagining Kuroo saying something like ‘hey, wanna come out and see if you have a crush on me in front of several strangers and one of our teammates?’ and Kenma replying ‘my life is a video game’,” muses Kai. 

“‘And not a good one,’ huff hair flip glare.” Hanamaki agrees. “Wait - wait - what -”

“Oh my gosh,” Kai exclaims gleefully, Matsukawa patting them both on the shoulder.

~~~

“I can’t believe,” Hanamaki complains when they exit the store, “that I wasn’t even required, but I still had to come as you drove around randomly for twenty minutes.”

“I’m not stupid,” Kenma mutters. “If Kuro was looking for me with you in tow, obviously he wanted you to use your powers. I figured the odds were pretty good that… well.”

“Still a one hundred percent success rate!” Hanamaki cheers, holding up his hand for a high five.

Matsukawa complies, then links their fingers together. Hanamaki thinks it’s a sweet gesture for all of three seconds until his boyfriend gives him a cheeky smile and remarks: “One hundred… like the amount of yen you owe me and Tendou?”

“You’re not allowed to come with me anywhere ever again,” Hanamaki complains.

“Not even if the money goes toward cream puffs to share?” he says innocently, pulling away. “What a shame…”

“Have I told you how much I adore you recently, babe?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn't going to be part of this series but I might write a crack fic where Hinata is Spider-Man and Kageyama's determined to prove that to everyone else,,, teeny-sun and I have been discussing it on tumblr lmao

**Author's Note:**

> If you leave me a comment, I'll sew it into a quilt and pass it down through generations


End file.
